Is it possible to understand the suppression of memory as an act of love? In Surviving the Survivor: A Brutally Honest Conversation about Life (& Death) with My Mom: A Holocaust Survivor, Therapist and My Podcast Co-Host, author Joel Waldman argues that his mother Karmela was determined to protect her family from the past.  Karm, as Joel affectionately calls her, had no desire for her children to be burdened with the label of victim.  The horrors of the past risked becoming an impediment to the future and Karm’s entire life orientation was toward the future.  It was only through his extensive interviews with Karm that Joel arrived at a deeper understanding of not just her Holocaust past but also the tragedies she experienced as a mother and wife.  

In my interview with Joel about his book he repeatedly drew parallels with the 1999 Oscar award-winning film Life is Beautiful to explain Karm’s silence.  In the film, actor/director Roberto Benigni plays a Jewish father during the Nazi German occupation of Northern Italy, determined to hide the horrors of the Holocaust from his son.  Through an array of theatrical improvisations Benigni’s character transforms the harsh reality around him into comedic performance for his son. Hiding the truth becomes an expression of love and sacrifice aimed at saving both the life and innocence of his son.  

Karm’s childhood survival story began at the age of four at the very end of World War II in Nazi-occupied Serbia.  Saved by the quick thinking of her mother and the courage of a family friend and a local Catholic nun, Karm was able to escape the fate of millions of other Jews in Europe.  But Joel never discovered the details of this story until he interviewed his mother for the book.  He joked that he thought it was normal for a kid from a Jewish family in New Jersey to grow up with a picture of a Catholic nun in his living room.  Only through the research on his book did he discover the name and true importance of the nun, Mother Matilda Goricanec, who helped save his mother’s life.

Joel used the term homeostasis as a state of being completely at odds with everything about Karm.  Through his interviews he learned that Karm’s incessant desire to move forward was partly rooted in her father’s murder in the Holocaust.  Educated as an optometrist in Germany, her father refused to accept that Germans and German culture could descend to the depravity of the Holocaust.  An eternal, and fatal optimist, he refused to leave home and ended up being gassed at Auschwitz with his father.  When Karm repeatedly prods Joel to finish his book, to disabuse himself of the idea that he might be the next Tolstoy and just get it done, questions arise about whether this pushing might be anchored in a hidden past.  At several points in the book Joel wonders if his own incessant professional drive might be a product of Karm’s past. 

In that moment, I had a flood of thoughts wondering how I’d ever be able to survive the survivor sitting before me. She was such a powerful, overwhelming force who guided me through every twist and turn life delivered. How could I lose this person and still navigate this harsh, scary world without her? Joel Waldman, Surviving the Survivor: A Brutally Honest Conversation about Life (& Death) with My Mom: A Holocaust Survivor, Therapist and My Podcast Co-Host.

Joel describes Karm as having the mind of a steel trap.  Like the homicide detectives he features on his true crime podcast, Surviving the Surviving, Joe marvels at Karm’s ability to compartmentalize personal tragedy.  This strength was apparent with how Karm overcame the death of her first son Rami.  Born in 1967, two years before Joel, Rami left the world just as Joel was beginning to make his way into it.  Neither of his parents revealed much about the personal anguish and pain they experienced losing a child after only a few years of life.  Although his father was a psychiatrist and his mother a social worker, neither had any interest in joining a support group of fellow grieving parents. Both were determined to move forward and refused to let their lives be defined by tragedy.  However this determination may have helped his parents, it deprived Joel of almost all information about his brother.  Only when he attended the funeral of his father in a New Jersey cemetery did he discover the adjoining horizontal tombstone of his brother

Growing up with a social worker and a psychiatrist for parents, Joel credits his family with his own insatiable curiosity.  From the portraits that line the walls of the Miami Jewish hospital where his father received hospice care to the homes of the ultra rich in the city of Miami where he now lives, everything that surrounds him sparks questions and introspection.  Even during my interview Joel found himself searching for answers to eternal questions about what defines a good life.  It is Joel’s ability to find humor in all things, especially himself, that allows him to ponder life’s uncertainties without being overly burdened by the weight of his own thoughts. Humor, another attribute he credits to his parents, is what infuses almost every page of Joel’s book with warmth, love and authenticity.  

It was watching Karm care for her ailing husband that gave Joel the deepest appreciation of her personal strength.  Joel witnessed firsthand and in real time Kram’s devotion to the love of her life, her husband of over sixty years.  Losing her husband was the most difficult tragedy in Karm’s life.  Yet rather than falling into despair, she continued to embrace the same love for life and desire to move forward.  Within weeks of her husband’s death, Karm agreed to Joel’s idea to co-host a podcast.  In what ultimately became the true crime podcast, Surviving the Survivor, Karm’s insight and humorous verbal jousting with son, quickly won the affection and support of listeners.  

Joel refers to himself as the Larry King of true crime as Surviving the Survivor airs live five nights a week on YouTube.  But Joel’s airtime commitment goes far beyond these nightly appearances.  After devoting numerous episodes to a particular case Joel frequently streams live coverage of court proceedIngs that often stretch out for hours.  In some instances, such as the Diddy case, he travels to offer on location coverage.  Joel joked with me that his career in broadcast journalism gave him a solid grounding in how to take a beating in his job.  His drive to move forward, his willingness to take on much of the work, and his reporting and interviewing skills have helped him build a following of over 170,000 subscribers on his YouTube channel.  

Beyond his personal drive, media acumen, and a truly impressive list of guests, the success of Survivor the Survivor is also due the dramatic growth of the true crime genre.  Beginning with the Mendes brothers case and the advent of Court TV, the true crime genre has expanded to Netflix tv series and movie dramas watched by millions of viewers.  Women in particular, who represent a disproportionate segment of the true crime audience, helped help true crimes shows like Surviving the Survivor reach new heights.  

True crime, as Joel practices it, is above all participatory.  Joel’s wife Ileana Diaz, herself a former television news reporter, has the title of COE or Chief of Everything at Surviving the Survivor.  It is Ileana who manages the stream of viewer questions that Joel integrates into his nightly shows.  In some instances, when debating which case to cover next, Joel will put the question to his viewers.  Unpacking crimes from the more recent or distant past in ways that benefit from the sensitivities and technologies of the present, true crime has much in common with the democratization of memory.  The seemingly insatiable desire to delve into the crimes of the past raises fundamental questions about whether a feel good, celebratory approach to history is really what the public wants.